Toddler Hitting and Aggression at Daycare: Parent's Guide 2026

The daycare teacher pulls you aside at pickup. Your toddler hit another child today. Again. You feel embarrassed, worried, and maybe a little defensive. Is something wrong with your child? Are you a bad parent? Will they be kicked out?

Toddler aggression is one of the most stressful issues for parents—but it's also one of the most normal. Understanding why it happens and how to address it can help you and your daycare work together to guide your child through this challenging phase.

Why Toddlers Hit

It's Developmentally Normal

Brain development:

• Impulse control develops slowly (not mature until mid-20s!)
• Emotional regulation is just beginning
• Language skills are limited
• "Fight or flight" response is strong
• Can't think through consequences

This means:

• They act before thinking
• They can't always stop themselves
• They don't fully understand impact on others
• They're not being "bad"

Common Triggers

Frustration:

• Can't communicate what they want
• Things don't go their way
• Tasks are too hard
• Waiting is difficult

Overwhelm:

• Too much stimulation
• Too many children
• Loud environment
• Tired or hungry
• Big emotions they can't process

Social challenges:

• Someone has what they want
• Space is invaded
• They feel threatened
• Don't know how to interact

Seeking connection:

• Want attention (even negative)
• Don't know how to engage appropriately
• Imitating what they've seen
• Testing boundaries

Types of Aggressive Behavior

Physical aggression:

• Hitting
• Pushing
• Kicking
• Hair pulling
• Throwing things at others

Other forms:

• Biting (covered in separate guide)
• Scratching
• Pinching
• Taking toys forcefully

What's Normal vs. Concerning

Normal Toddler Aggression

Characteristics:

• Occasional (not constant)
• Has identifiable triggers
• Responds to intervention over time
• Decreases with age and language
• Child shows remorse or awareness

Ages and stages:

• Peaks around 18-24 months
• Common through age 3
• Should decrease significantly by 4
• Occasional incidents even at 5

When to Be Concerned

Red flags:

• Very frequent (multiple times daily)
• Severe or dangerous
• No clear triggers
• Doesn't respond to intervention
• Getting worse over time
• Child seems to enjoy hurting others
• Accompanied by other concerning behaviors
• Persists past age 4-5

Seek evaluation if:

• Behavior is extreme
• Your child is at risk of hurting others seriously
• Daycare is considering dismissal
• Nothing is working
• You're concerned about underlying issues

Working with Daycare

When You Get the Report

How to respond:

• Stay calm (don't panic or get defensive)
• Ask what happened specifically
• Ask about the context
• Ask how it was handled
• Express concern and willingness to work together

What NOT to do:

• Blame the other child
• Make excuses
• Dismiss it as no big deal
• Get angry at daycare
• Promise it won't happen again (you can't guarantee that)

Understanding Their Perspective

Daycare's concerns:

• Safety of all children
• Liability issues
• Other parents' concerns
• Staff ability to manage
• Impact on classroom

Their constraints:

• Can't provide one-on-one attention
• Must keep all children safe
• May have policies requiring action
• Under pressure from other families

Partnering on Solutions

Work together on:

• Understanding triggers
• Consistent response strategies
• Communication plan
• Progress tracking
• When to escalate

Share information:

• What works at home
• Known triggers
• Recent changes or stresses
• Relevant history
• What you're doing at home

Strategies That Work

Prevention

At daycare, request:

• Extra supervision during high-risk times
• Shadowing during transitions
• Smaller group activities
• Quiet space available
• Warning before transitions

Environmental adjustments:

• Fewer children in immediate space
• Duplicate toys to reduce conflict
• Clear boundaries and expectations
• Consistent routine
• Calm, low-stimulation areas

In-the-Moment Response

What caregivers should do:

1. Stop the behavior immediately
2. Check on the hurt child first
3. Brief, firm response to aggressor
4. Remove from situation
5. Help them calm down
6. Brief discussion when calm
7. Move on (don't dwell)

Effective responses:

• "I won't let you hit. Hitting hurts."
• "You're angry, but hitting is not okay."
• "Let's take a break until you're calm."
• "Use your words instead."

What doesn't work:

• Lengthy lectures
• Asking "why did you do that?" (they don't know)
• Forcing apology immediately
• Harsh punishment
• Shaming

Teaching Alternatives

Help them learn:

• Words for feelings ("I'm mad!")
• Words for needs ("I want a turn")
• How to ask for help
• How to walk away
• Coping strategies (deep breaths, squeeze hands)

Practice when calm:

• Role play scenarios
• Read books about feelings
• Practice phrases
• Celebrate using words
• Praise gentle behavior

At Home Support

Consistent approach:

• Same response to aggression at home
• Same language as daycare
• Practice skills at home
• Model emotional regulation
• Plenty of physical activity

Address potential causes:

• Ensure adequate sleep
• Regular meals and snacks
• Limit screen time/violence
• Quality connection time
• Manage transitions

If Your Child Is Being Hit

How to Handle

What daycare should do:

• Protect your child
• Document incidents
• Notify you
• Address the behavior
• Not disclose other child's identity

What you can do:

• Comfort your child
• Don't dramatize
• Work with daycare on solutions
• Be patient (other child is learning too)
• Consider if classroom is right fit

What you shouldn't do:

• Confront the other family
• Demand to know who hit your child
• Tell your child to hit back
• Pull your child without trying solutions

When to Be Concerned

If your child is frequently targeted:

• Ask about supervision
• Discuss classroom dynamics
• Request specific intervention
• Consider if changes needed
• Evaluate the program's response

Daycare Policies on Aggression

Understanding Their Policy

Common policies:

• Documentation of all incidents
• Parent notification
• Progressive steps (warning, meeting, plan)
• Possible suspension
• Possible dismissal in severe cases

Ask about:

• What triggers escalation?
• How many incidents before action?
• What support do you provide?
• Is dismissal possible?
• What would warrant dismissal?

If Dismissal Is Threatened

Steps to take:

1. Request a meeting
2. Understand specific concerns
3. Propose a behavior plan
4. Ask for specific timeline
5. Get evaluation if needed
6. Show you're taking it seriously

Questions to ask:

• Exactly what behavior is the concern?
• What would improvement look like?
• What support can you provide?
• How long do we have to show improvement?
• Is there anything else we should try?

When to Seek Professional Help

Signs You Need Support

Consider evaluation if:

• Behavior is severe or dangerous
• Nothing is working
• Getting worse over time
• Child is over 4 and still aggressive
• Other developmental concerns
• Family is under significant stress

Who Can Help

Pediatrician:

• Rule out medical issues
• Referral to specialists
• General guidance
• Developmental screening

Child psychologist/therapist:

• Behavior assessment
• Parent coaching
• Play therapy
• Strategies for home and school

Developmental specialist:

• Comprehensive evaluation
• Identify underlying issues
• Early intervention referral

Early intervention:

• For children under 3
• Free evaluation
• Services if qualify
• Coordinated support

Possible Underlying Issues

What might be explored:

• Speech/language delays (frustration from communication)
• Sensory processing differences
• ADHD (impulse control)
• Autism spectrum (social understanding)
• Anxiety
• Family stress or trauma
• Developmental delays

Common Scenarios

"My Child Only Does This at Daycare"

Possible reasons:

• More triggers at daycare
• Less adult attention
• Overstimulated
• Tired by end of day
• Holding it together until they can't

What to do:

• Don't dismiss as "daycare's problem"
• Look for patterns in timing
• Address potential causes
• Work with daycare on solutions

"They're an Angel at Home"

This often happens because:

• Home has fewer children/triggers
• More individual attention
• More control over environment
• Parents prevent conflicts
• Less tired and overwhelmed

Important: The behavior at daycare is still real and needs addressing.

"It Only Happens with One Child"

Possible reasons:

• Personality clash
• Competition for resources or attention
• History between them
• One child triggers the other

Solutions:

• Separate when possible
• Supervise closely together
• Address specific dynamics
• May need different grouping

Key Takeaways

It's normal (usually):

• Toddler aggression is developmentally typical
• Impulse control takes years to develop
• Most children grow out of it
• Your child isn't "bad"

Work as a team:

• Partner with daycare
• Consistent approach everywhere
• Share information both ways
• Stay calm and solution-focused

Address the causes:

• Understand triggers
• Meet underlying needs
• Teach alternatives
• Prevent when possible

Know when to get help:

• Severe or persistent behavior
• No improvement with intervention
• Child over 4 still struggling
• Your instincts say something's off

Be patient:

• This takes time
• Progress isn't linear
• Setbacks are normal
• Keep at it

Toddler aggression is challenging, but it's almost always a phase that passes with patient, consistent intervention. Work with your daycare, stay calm, and remember: your child is learning one of the hardest skills humans develop—managing their impulses and emotions. With your support, they'll get there.

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