Nanny Not Following Instructions? How to Address the Problem

You've given clear instructions, but you keep finding your nanny doing things differently. Screen time limits ignored. Feeding schedules off. Nap routines abandoned. It's frustrating—and you're not sure how to address it without damaging the relationship.

Here's how to handle a nanny who isn't following your instructions.

Common Instruction Issues

What Parents Report

| Issue | How Common | Risk Level | |-------|------------|------------| | Ignoring screen time limits | Very common | Medium | | Different feeding practices | Common | Low-Medium | | Skipping outdoor time | Common | Low | | Not following nap schedule | Common | Medium | | Different discipline approach | Moderate | High | | Ignoring safety rules | Rare but serious | Critical | | Having unauthorized visitors | Rare | High |

Step 1: Assess the Situation

Before Reacting, Consider:

Is this a pattern or one-time slip?

One-off: Usually forgivable
Pattern: Needs addressing

Is it about preference or safety?

Preference: More flexibility appropriate
Safety: Zero tolerance required

Could there be a misunderstanding?

Was the instruction clear?
Written or just verbal?
Recent change they might have missed?

Is your instruction reasonable?

Developmentally appropriate?
Physically possible with your child?
Within their job scope?

Step 2: Document What You're Seeing

Keep a Simple Log

| Date | Instruction | What Happened | Evidence | |------|-------------|---------------|----------| | 3/15 | Max 30 min screen time | iPad showed 2 hours use | Screen time report | | 3/18 | Lunch at 12pm | Child said they ate at 2pm | Child's report | | 3/20 | No TV during lunch | Saw them watching TV when I came home | Observed |

Why documentation matters:

Prevents "it only happened once" claims
Helps you see if it's truly a pattern
Provides concrete examples for conversation
Protects you if termination becomes necessary

Step 3: Have a Direct Conversation

The Right Approach

Choose the right time:

Not in front of your child
Not when rushed
Ideally at beginning or end of shift

Use specific examples:

"On Tuesday, I noticed..."
Not "You always..."

Stay calm and professional:

No accusations
Curious, not confrontational

Sample Script

"I wanted to talk about screen time. I've noticed that on several days this week, the iPad screen time showed more than the 30 minutes we discussed. I'm not angry, but I do want to understand what's happening. Can you help me understand?"

Then listen. There may be context you don't have.

Step 4: Understand Their Perspective

Common Explanations

"Your child was having a meltdown"

Possible: Is your child struggling with limits?
Action: Discuss alternative calming strategies

"I didn't realize that was the rule"

Possible: Was communication clear?
Action: Create written guidelines

"That doesn't work with your child"

Possible: Do they have a point?
Action: Discuss and possibly adjust

"I forgot"

Occasional: Human
Pattern: Concerning

Defensive/dismissive response:

Red flag
May indicate larger issues

Step 5: Clarify Expectations in Writing

Create a One-Page Daily Guidelines Sheet

Include:

Meal and snack times
Nap schedule
Screen time limits
Outdoor time expectations
Key safety rules
Emergency contacts

Sample Format

DAILY GUIDELINES - [Child's Name]

SCHEDULE
8:00am - Breakfast
9:00am - Outdoor play or activity
10:00am - Snack
12:00pm - Lunch
1:00pm - Nap
3:00pm - Snack, free play
4:00pm - Outdoor time (weather permitting)
5:00pm - Screen time OK (30 min max)

SCREEN TIME
- Maximum 30 minutes per day
- Only PBS Kids, Daniel Tiger, or educational apps
- No YouTube or TikTok

FOOD
- No juice (water or milk only)
- No sweets except at snack time
- Peanuts OK (no allergies)

SAFETY NON-NEGOTIABLES
- Car seat at all times in vehicle
- No visitors without prior approval
- Text me when leaving the house

Step 6: Set Clear Consequences

Be Direct About What Happens Next

"Going forward, I need screen time to stay under 30 minutes. If I continue to see this being an issue, we'll need to have a more serious conversation about whether this is the right fit."

You're not being mean—you're being clear.

Step 7: Follow Up and Monitor

In the Following Weeks:

Check in regularly:

"How did nap time go today?"
Review screen time reports
Ask your child about their day (age-appropriate)

Note improvements:

Acknowledge when things are better
Positive reinforcement works

Document continued issues:

If pattern continues, you have a decision to make

When to Skip Straight to Termination

Some Issues Are Immediate Deal-Breakers

Terminate immediately if:

Safety rules violated (car seat, supervision, etc.)
Lying about what happened
Exposing child to inappropriate content
Physical discipline (unless you've authorized)
Unauthorized people in your home
Signs of intoxication
Repeated, deliberate defiance

You don't owe multiple chances for serious violations.

Why Nannies Don't Follow Instructions

Understanding Helps You Respond

| Reason | What It Looks Like | What to Do | |--------|-------------------|------------| | Unclear communication | "I didn't know that was important" | Provide written guidelines | | Disagreement with approach | "That's not how I was trained" | Discuss, but you have final say | | Taking shortcuts | Happens when you're not around | More check-ins, nanny cam consideration | | Child challenges | "Your child won't do that for me" | Evaluate if true, provide support | | Testing boundaries | Seeing what they can get away with | Firm, clear consequences | | Burnout | Happened gradually over time | Address workload, consider if fit is declining |

The Role of Nanny Cams

Considerations

Pros:

Know what's actually happening
Evidence for conversations
Peace of mind

Cons:

Can damage trust
Must disclose in most states
May make nanny feel micro-managed

If you use them:

Check state laws on disclosure
Be upfront with your nanny
Focus on safety, not nitpicking
Don't watch obsessively

Prevention: Clear Communication From the Start

During Hiring

Be explicit about:

Your parenting philosophy
Non-negotiables vs. preferences
How you'll communicate concerns
What happens if issues arise

During Onboarding

Create a nanny binder with:

Daily schedule
Food guidelines
Screen time rules
Discipline approach
Emergency procedures
House rules

Ongoing

Weekly check-ins:

What went well?
Any challenges?
Anything I should know?
Changes coming up?

When It's Not Working: Making the Decision to Part Ways

Signs It May Be Time

Repeated issues despite conversations
Defensive or dismissive responses
Your child is unhappy
You've lost trust
You're constantly worried

How to Handle Termination

Give appropriate notice (per contract, usually 2 weeks)

Or pay in lieu of notice if you prefer immediate end

Be direct but kind:

"This isn't working out the way we both hoped. I think it's best if we part ways. I'll pay you through [date] and provide a reference based on [specific positive aspects]."

Provide severance if possible (one week pay is common courtesy)

FAQ

Q: Am I being too controlling?

A: Having clear expectations isn't controlling—it's your job as a parent. A professional nanny will respect reasonable guidelines. If your requests are within normal parenting practices, you're not being unreasonable.

Q: Should I give a second chance?

A: For preference issues and miscommunication—yes, usually. For safety issues or deliberate defiance—be very cautious. Trust your gut.

Q: How do I know if my instructions are unreasonable?

A: Ask yourself: Would other parents consider this normal? Is it developmentally appropriate? Is it physically possible? If yes to all, your instructions are reasonable.

Q: What if my nanny has more childcare experience than me?

A: Experience is valuable, but you're the parent. A good nanny offers input respectfully while following your lead. "I'd suggest..." is appropriate. Ignoring your instructions is not.

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