Nanny Not Following Instructions? How to Address the Problem

You've given clear instructions, but you keep finding your nanny doing things differently. Screen time limits ignored. Feeding schedules off. Nap routines abandoned. It's frustrating—and you're not sure how to address it without damaging the relationship.

Here's how to handle a nanny who isn't following your instructions.

Common Instruction Issues

What Parents Report

Issue	How Common	Risk Level
Ignoring screen time limits	Very common	Medium
Different feeding practices	Common	Low-Medium
Skipping outdoor time	Common	Low
Not following nap schedule	Common	Medium
Different discipline approach	Moderate	High
Ignoring safety rules	Rare but serious	Critical
Having unauthorized visitors	Rare	High

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Step 1: Assess the Situation

Before Reacting, Consider:

Is this a pattern or one-time slip?

• One-off: Usually forgivable
• Pattern: Needs addressing

Is it about preference or safety?

• Preference: More flexibility appropriate
• Safety: Zero tolerance required

Could there be a misunderstanding?

• Was the instruction clear?
• Written or just verbal?
• Recent change they might have missed?

Is your instruction reasonable?

• Developmentally appropriate?
• Physically possible with your child?
• Within their job scope?

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Step 2: Document What You're Seeing

Keep a Simple Log

Date	Instruction	What Happened	Evidence
3/15	Max 30 min screen time	iPad showed 2 hours use	Screen time report
3/18	Lunch at 12pm	Child said they ate at 2pm	Child's report
3/20	No TV during lunch	Saw them watching TV when I came home	Observed

Why documentation matters:

• Prevents "it only happened once" claims
• Helps you see if it's truly a pattern
• Provides concrete examples for conversation
• Protects you if termination becomes necessary

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Step 3: Have a Direct Conversation

The Right Approach

Choose the right time:

• Not in front of your child
• Not when rushed
• Ideally at beginning or end of shift

Use specific examples:

• "On Tuesday, I noticed..."
• Not "You always..."

Stay calm and professional:

• No accusations
• Curious, not confrontational

Sample Script

"I wanted to talk about screen time. I've noticed that on several days this week, the iPad screen time showed more than the 30 minutes we discussed. I'm not angry, but I do want to understand what's happening. Can you help me understand?"

Then listen. There may be context you don't have.

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Step 4: Understand Their Perspective

Common Explanations

"Your child was having a meltdown"

• Possible: Is your child struggling with limits?
• Action: Discuss alternative calming strategies

"I didn't realize that was the rule"

• Possible: Was communication clear?
• Action: Create written guidelines

"That doesn't work with your child"

• Possible: Do they have a point?
• Action: Discuss and possibly adjust

"I forgot"

• Occasional: Human
• Pattern: Concerning

Defensive/dismissive response:

• Red flag
• May indicate larger issues

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Step 5: Clarify Expectations in Writing

Create a One-Page Daily Guidelines Sheet

Include:

• Meal and snack times
• Nap schedule
• Screen time limits
• Outdoor time expectations
• Key safety rules
• Emergency contacts

Sample Format

DAILY GUIDELINES - [Child's Name]

SCHEDULE
8:00am - Breakfast
9:00am - Outdoor play or activity
10:00am - Snack
12:00pm - Lunch
1:00pm - Nap
3:00pm - Snack, free play
4:00pm - Outdoor time (weather permitting)
5:00pm - Screen time OK (30 min max)

SCREEN TIME
- Maximum 30 minutes per day
- Only PBS Kids, Daniel Tiger, or educational apps
- No YouTube or TikTok

FOOD
- No juice (water or milk only)
- No sweets except at snack time
- Peanuts OK (no allergies)

SAFETY NON-NEGOTIABLES
- Car seat at all times in vehicle
- No visitors without prior approval
- Text me when leaving the house

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Step 6: Set Clear Consequences

Be Direct About What Happens Next

"Going forward, I need screen time to stay under 30 minutes. If I continue to see this being an issue, we'll need to have a more serious conversation about whether this is the right fit."

You're not being mean—you're being clear.

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Step 7: Follow Up and Monitor

In the Following Weeks:

Check in regularly:

• "How did nap time go today?"
• Review screen time reports
• Ask your child about their day (age-appropriate)

Note improvements:

• Acknowledge when things are better
• Positive reinforcement works

Document continued issues:

• If pattern continues, you have a decision to make

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When to Skip Straight to Termination

Some Issues Are Immediate Deal-Breakers

Terminate immediately if:

• Safety rules violated (car seat, supervision, etc.)
• Lying about what happened
• Exposing child to inappropriate content
• Physical discipline (unless you've authorized)
• Unauthorized people in your home
• Signs of intoxication
• Repeated, deliberate defiance

You don't owe multiple chances for serious violations.

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Why Nannies Don't Follow Instructions

Understanding Helps You Respond

Reason	What It Looks Like	What to Do
Unclear communication	"I didn't know that was important"	Provide written guidelines
Disagreement with approach	"That's not how I was trained"	Discuss, but you have final say
Taking shortcuts	Happens when you're not around	More check-ins, nanny cam consideration
Child challenges	"Your child won't do that for me"	Evaluate if true, provide support
Testing boundaries	Seeing what they can get away with	Firm, clear consequences
Burnout	Happened gradually over time	Address workload, consider if fit is declining

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The Role of Nanny Cams

Considerations

Pros:

• Know what's actually happening
• Evidence for conversations
• Peace of mind

Cons:

• Can damage trust
• Must disclose in most states
• May make nanny feel micro-managed

If you use them:

• Check state laws on disclosure
• Be upfront with your nanny
• Focus on safety, not nitpicking
• Don't watch obsessively

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Prevention: Clear Communication From the Start

During Hiring

Be explicit about:

• Your parenting philosophy
• Non-negotiables vs. preferences
• How you'll communicate concerns
• What happens if issues arise

During Onboarding

Create a nanny binder with:

• Daily schedule
• Food guidelines
• Screen time rules
• Discipline approach
• Emergency procedures
• House rules

Ongoing

Weekly check-ins:

• What went well?
• Any challenges?
• Anything I should know?
• Changes coming up?

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When It's Not Working: Making the Decision to Part Ways

Signs It May Be Time

• Repeated issues despite conversations
• Defensive or dismissive responses
• Your child is unhappy
• You've lost trust
• You're constantly worried

How to Handle Termination

Give appropriate notice (per contract, usually 2 weeks)

Or pay in lieu of notice if you prefer immediate end

Be direct but kind:

"This isn't working out the way we both hoped. I think it's best if we part ways. I'll pay you through [date] and provide a reference based on [specific positive aspects]."

Provide severance if possible (one week pay is common courtesy)

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FAQ

Q: Am I being too controlling?

A: Having clear expectations isn't controlling—it's your job as a parent. A professional nanny will respect reasonable guidelines. If your requests are within normal parenting practices, you're not being unreasonable.

Q: Should I give a second chance?

A: For preference issues and miscommunication—yes, usually. For safety issues or deliberate defiance—be very cautious. Trust your gut.

Q: How do I know if my instructions are unreasonable?

A: Ask yourself: Would other parents consider this normal? Is it developmentally appropriate? Is it physically possible? If yes to all, your instructions are reasonable.

Q: What if my nanny has more childcare experience than me?

A: Experience is valuable, but you're the parent. A good nanny offers input respectfully while following your lead. "I'd suggest..." is appropriate. Ignoring your instructions is not.

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Related guides:

• How to Hire a Nanny →
• Managing Your Nanny →
• Nanny vs Daycare →
• Nanny Cams: What to Know →

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